??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
