I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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