My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
