she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
