I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
