he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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