Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
