Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
