We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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