Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
