yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
