awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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