Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
