worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
