Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
