mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
