I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
