The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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