I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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