god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
