I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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