you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Found the puke drawer
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
