Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
