Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
