how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
