Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
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