remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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