Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
