With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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