finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My bed smells like the plague
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
