I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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