I could make wine with my vomit
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
