Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
