Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
