Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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