dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
