Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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