I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
this hospital has no fireball
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
