tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
