why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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