Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
