Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
this just has baby written all over it
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Randomize
