Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
