Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
