Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
