Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
