you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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