Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
