I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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