when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
