proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
