the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
