I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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