Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
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i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
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Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I have already put on my inside pants.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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