I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
