I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
