thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
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Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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